Monday, March 2, 2015

Never Give Up

Things have been so off and on here at Southern Fit Liz and I wanted to give a little insight as to why. It's extremely personal and I battled back and forth whether I should share this. Maybe someone else is going through a hard time and this will help someway, somehow. 

I went through a tough time in 2014, suffering a miscarriage in late August. It really affected me in a big, deep way that I honestly was not expecting. I thought I was not ready for a baby - I am a worrier - I didn't have extra funds, extra space in my apartment, insurance, etc. I was stressed about it from day one. But each day I grew fonder of the idea of expanding our family. It seemed like everything was going to work itself out. I mean, who is ever, honestly ready?

So when I went in for my first 8 week appointment with Hubs I was excited. By this time we were talking about names, I was shopping for baby bags, I was in full on prepare-mode somehow. We saw the baby and heard the heartbeat and really, really liked my doctor. Everything was going to be great!
Sadly, that day when I got home from work I was bleeding and I knew what was happening. It was the most awful form of disappointment I have experienced to date. And I wish this on no one. To add insult to injury I had to have a nearly $3,000 D and C procedure. 

This lead to me having resentment towards Hubs (unwillingly), restarted a pattern of over eating and led to what I think to be clinical depression. I let all those things happen for months. Without the will or want to fight the bad in my life, I let it take over me. I was chronically late for work, oversleeping, overeating, over drinking, all to avoid feeling feelings. I didn't want to go through the tough emotions, as I never have. 

A co-worker commented on how 'miserable' I seemed all the time and something inside me clicked.  I started to realize that I can't waste my time acting this way. Maybe the things in our life are supposed to happen to us. Maybe I needed to go through this. Maybe I didn't... I don't know. What I do know is that every day that I am alive, with a job, with my health, with all of my limbs and my mind and my freedom I am living a life worth living. 

I swear I know how cheesy all this sounds but realizing that you are in charge of your life and your happiness (or lack of) is the most wonderful thing. I have the power every single day. I can make every day a good one, even though it's not easy everyday. I'm not happy? I can change it. I'm overweight? I can change it. I don't like my job? I can change it. 
I can do anything I want with my life. I have just never tried

So I am on a mission to make my life a good one. I can't control everything, I will always be short, with thin hair and have an affinity for animals in need. I want to be happy every day, so I am making a conscious effort. I want to be healthy, so I am working out and actually trying to make better choices. I want my marriage to work, which takes work, so I am trying to reconnect with my husband.

I just feel like I have discovered some secret in life - you really can have what you want, you just have to work for it. But, as they say, nothing good comes easy.  

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